


oblivion

by hotelbooks



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: 5+1 Things, Drunken Confessions, Long-Distance Friendship, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Trade, Sleepy Boys, idk i miss alex sm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 06:01:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17319335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotelbooks/pseuds/hotelbooks
Summary: to: the fake gallyyou’re so annoying.from: the fake gallyonly for u!brendan gallagher was the worst.(alternatively; the five times alex and brendan talked on the phone and the one time they didn't.)





	oblivion

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is the first thing i've uploaded to ao3 since 2015, so idk enjoy this i guess!
> 
> lowercase is intended!
> 
> also, some notes:  
> \- while some of these events were true (ex: montreal vs washington game, ottawa vs arizona game, and montreal va arizona game), many parts of this book are works of fiction (ex: the length of time alex spent out with injury, conversations, etc.).   
> \- for the sake of this story, karl alzner doesn't exist.  
> \- i revised this like 600 times but there still might be spelling mistakes, so i apologize if you spot any!
> 
> the title (nothing to do with the story itself) is an m83 song, oblivion, which i listened to the whole time while writing this, so give that a listen!
> 
> enjoy!

**1**

alex had pulled something in his groin during a preseason game. it hurt, sure, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. he would be back to impressing his new coaches in arizona in no time. after all, he was making a positive image of himself with the few games he played. it wasn’t a big deal.

until it was.

after re-evaluation and an almost excruciating pain whenever he took a few steps, alex was projected to be out of the lineup for longer than he had intended. ‘week-to-week’ was what he was told, and  _fuck,_  that hurt more than his legs did.

he told brendan after his evaluation, because, who else would he tell? it was way too early to decide if any of his teammates really liked him or not. he hadn’t been traded before, and trying to make a good first impression on thirty guys he never had an actual conversation with before - or even met except for maybe throwing his body at them as hard as he could against the boards - was harder than he thought it would be.

alex wasn’t the only one who was upset about his injury, apparently. brendan sent him a _very_  concerned set of texts, and alex could almost hear the exasperation in his words because _what??? holy shit chuck, it’s way too early for this, are u sure it’s that bad??? week to week is bs, i think they should re-re-evaluate. that’s so stupid, are u okay???_ brendan was like a mother. alex could scrape his knee and brendan would consider calling an ambulance. it was stupidly endearing.

alex missed brendan, a lot.

instead of texting back, alex decided to just call brendan. he had taken some pain medication to dull the throbbing in his lower body, but they also seemed to dull everything else enough to make him too lazy to type a proper text. brendan picked up after the second ring.

“hey, what the fuck?” was brendan’s greeting. alex’s stomach turned at the sound of a familiar, yet almost panicked voice. it made his breath catch a bit, and brendan seemed to notice. “are you in pain? jesus, chuck, did they give you any med-“

“hi.” alex whispered brokenly, and suddenly he was close to tears. his foggy, painkiller-induced brain hadn’t processed the seriousness of his injury until he heard the concern in brendan’s voice. in fact, hearing brendan’s voice almost caused him to hurl from how much he missed him, and suddenly the realness of moving to arizona washed over him. it was an overwhelming few seconds of silence as he tried to collect himself. brendan had waited for another response, although all that came through the line was alex’s quiet but shaky breaths.

“hi.” brendan whispered back, tone now calm and gentle. alex could hear the creased frown on brendan’s face. it made him want to cry. “are you okay?” brendan asked slowly, solemnly, and alex almost screamed. no, he wasn’t okay - his groin hurt like a bitch and he couldn’t really think straight and he was so, so _fucking_ lonely, so homesick, that the idea of talking to anyone made him want to puke.

but he _was_  talking to brendan, if it could even be considered talking, and he hadn’t gotten sick yet - it must be a good sign.

“i miss you,” is what he heard his mouth say. he didn’t even realize he spoke it out loud until he heard brendan’s little sigh through the receiver.

“i miss you too.”

the hint of pain in brendan’s voice, the forced serenity of the response to mask the desperate cry laced within the words, is what really sent alex over the edge. alex had just moved 2000 miles (2497 to be exact; he googled it) away from his best friend of six years. him and brendan confided in each other in times of need, in times of sadness like this. the way his chest ached in this moment reminded him of the familiar ache after a failed run in the playoffs, when brendan would pull alex into his side and sit beside him in silence until he was ready to speak - how he stayed for a few days just to make sure alex was taking care of himself. it reminded him of the way they would drink a few beers to numb the rawness of a bad loss, and the way brendan would try to distract him with a few games of FIFA and a pizza after his father was a bit too harsh on him. that similar weight crushing his lungs returned. alex felt like he couldn’t breathe, and brendan wasn’t beside him to help him through it. instead, brendan was on the other side of the continent, in a different country, 2497 miles away from him.

“alex.” brendan spoke, in a hushed tone. the tone was one that was telling alex to breathe, to calm down. alex could pick out that tone easily.

alex cried, for a while.

brendan sat quietly on the line until alex’s breathing was beginning to slow back to a normal state.

“december.” alex choked out, wiping his eyes. “twentieth.” it was the first time the coyotes would meet with the canadiens, down in arizona. alex quietly wondered if having the date engraved in his mind since he arrived for training camp was a little weird. his worries were halted, though, as brendan let out the smallest, quietest hint of a chuckle.

“the date is circled on my calendar,” he informed alex. alex couldn’t help it when his lips twitched upward, into something resembling a smile, like he would when trying to keep a straight face after brendan would throw a terrible, _god awful_ chirp his way with a look of pure determination and wit, like it was the rudest thing he had ever said to anyone.

“you of all people would still use a fucking wall calendar,” alex threw back, tone sarcastic, although his heart wasn’t in it. brendan knew alex’s heart wasn’t in it.

“you should get some rest, chuck.” brendan spoke quietly into the phone. then, a sad chuckle. “i guess that isn’t your nickname anymore, eh?”

that one hurt.

“never liked it anyways.” alex spoke truthfully, teasingly, but he sounded sad. he didn’t mean to sound so sad. “you keep gally. can’t have both of us calling each other gally, can we?”

“guess not.” brendan hummed, falling into a small silence. “ice that leg,” he added. “and try to sleep. long day, huh?”

“yeah.” alex sighed. he was pretty worn, but he really wanted to keep talking to brendan. his voice felt familiar, homey, something he hadn’t felt yet in the warm arizona weather and the new house. however, alex knew brendan was worried about him, so he should probably get some sleep so brendan didn’t freak. “i’ll text you in the morning. goodnight.”

“night, gally.” brendan mumbled into the phone. alex scrunched up his nose; what a weird, /weird/ thing to come out of brendan’s mouth. brendan grunted. “sounds gross. chucky it is.”

“i’ll never forgive you for stealing my nickname.” alex hissed.

(alex could live with it.)

 

**2**

alex watched montreal win 6-4 over the previous stanley cup champions, the washington capitals. it made his stomach hurt a bit to see them succeed without him, to see them happy. he could tell the team really loved each other, with their new additions.

brendan was so, _so_  close to his first career hat trick. alex could feel brendan’s anticipation in his own toes after his second goal. he watched how hard he drove into the capitals end and dug at that puck, how many times his shots had just missed the net or how many last minute grabs holtby had managed.

alex definitely didn’t sulk about it. he didn’t picture the pure happiness on brendan’s face, the determined smirk at the announcement over the bell centre, the way he’d blush and duck his head down at the roar of the crowd in response. brendan still looked happy; his team came out with a win, and his teammates were congratulating him on a hell of a game. alex couldn’t imagine how much happier brendan would’ve been knowing he pulled off a career first.

_to: the fake gally_   
_awesome game tonight! i tuned in. wish you would’ve got that first hatty tho ): you’re still waiting for that? tough :P_

alex sent his message with a smirk, waiting for a witty response to his tease. it came seconds later.

_from: the fake gally_   
_two hattys in your career and ur an expert now eh? ya right chuck. thx for being my biggest fan u loser_

the next text was a string of heart emojis and a few tongue-out faces. alex grimaced in response.

_to: the fake gally_   
_you’re so annoying._

_from: the fake gally_   
_only for u!_

brendan gallagher was the worst.

they shot a few more texts back and forth before brendan stopped answering, and alex got a little bummed. gally seemed to be his only friend then, since he was out with injury and his team he barely knew was at the rink for most of the day. he was almost on house arrest, in a sense; his sore lower half was keeping him from moving from his bed for a little while. so, yeah, it was fair to be upset when brendan was probably giving his attention to someone else.

his phone rang at 11pm, 1am montreal time. alex picked it up.

“gally?” alex croaked. he was half asleep when his ringtone startled him.

“chuck!” brendan gasped into the phone, as if he wasn’t expecting it to be him. “hi, hi. we were just talking ‘bout you. the guys wanna say hello.”

alex could hear the slur to brendan’s words, and the noises of a small bar. alex rubbed his eyes, shaking his head as he heard the rustling of the phone being passed along. “ah, chuck!” it was jonathan.

“hey, drou.” alex sighed into the phone. jonathan chuckled.

“you were asleep, huh? i told gally not to call. he does not listen, i’m sorry.” he spoke, alex picking up more on his french accent than he would normally. he could tell the both of them have been at the bar for a while, just by the way they spoke to him. he wondered who else was there.

“ah, s’okay. wasn’t asleep yet.” he smiled. “great game tonight, by the way. i watched.”

“we heard, few times from gally. he says you’re his biggest fan, can you confirm?”

“he is, he said so!” he heard brendan’s giggle from the background.

“definitely not. i’m more of a pricey kind of guy, if i do say so myself.” he teased. jonathan let out a laugh.

“thought so. i’ll pass you along, some of the other guys wanna say hey. then you can get to bed.”

alex talked to carey, artturi, and andrew before the phone was given back to gally. they all told him how much they missed him and that they hope he recovered soon. alex couldn’t help the slight blush on his cheeks, and the terrible ache in his stomach. he really missed his team.

his old team, he reminds himself.

“you’re only gonna boost pricey’s ego, y’know.” brendan grumbled into the phone, causing alex to laugh. “he has enough fans as it is.”

“and me liking you the best wouldn’t boost yours?” alex raised an eyebrow.

“no. having _big dumb loser_ fans like you doesn’t boost my ego. having thirteen year old fans boosts my ego.” brendan snickered, referencing to a tweet the two had read in the summer, breaking down brendan’s fanbase and how it only consists of girls ages 13-16.

“right, right. of course. sorry i’m not thirteen, or a girl.” alex rolled his eyes.

“god, i’m glad you aren’t. we would’ve never met!” brendan huffed in response. “you should’ve seen the look on holtby’s face when i slapped one past him, jesus.” he snickered.

“i watched the game, gally.” alex shook his head with a smile. “beauty goal, by the way.”

“ah, yeah, but like, up close? guy was fumin’. shocked. i mean, so was i, but holtby was _so pissed.“_ brendan rambled into alex’s ear. “probably all salty because i like to get up in his business. can’t even imagine his reaction if _you_ were there.” a hiccup, then a giggle. “a one-timer from the circle with me in his face, wouldn’t have seen it coming.”

“yeah,” alex hummed out, half paying attention to gally’s rambles and half paying attention to the way brendan’s words mixed and flowed together with alcohol on his tongue.

a few of the guys began to trickle out of the bar; alex heard brendan giving very heartbroken-sounding goodbyes to each one. alex made sure he had a ride home, and brendan assured him that shawzy was sober. the line fell silent for a few minutes, other than the background noise of the bar, and alex wondered if brendan maybe dropped his phone, or something. it seemed like a very brendan thing to do.

“you know,” brendan spoke, suddenly, _loudly_ , and alex almost fell off the bed.

“yes?” alex huffed out.

“it’s not the same, without you,” brendan started, sadness in his voice, and if alex was in the bar with brendan right then, he would’ve puked up weak canadian beer right across his lap.

“what isn’t?” alex urged brendan to continue.

“playing.” brendan decided after a minute. “scoring. i..” he breathed in deeply, shakily. alex almost died, right there, in his bed, thousands of miles away from brendan when all he wanted to do was hug him. “i tipped that puck past holtby and you were no where to be found. i received a perfect pass and it wasn’t from you. you’re in arizona. you’re not.. on my line, you’re not here. i miss you, playing with you.”

and alex understood; it was stupid that brendan was upset about receiving a perfect pass from one of his teammates because it wasn’t _alex_ who made the pass to him, but he understood.

“brendan.” alex sighed.

“i think it’s time to go, gally.” alex heard shawzy in the back. he could picture the kicked-puppy look on brendan’s face and it stung in his chest. “alex needs sleep, you know.”

“shawzy’s being a party pooper,” brendan croaked, yet forced out a small chuckle at his weak tease. alex’s heart broke at the sound. “we’re gonna go, i’ll text you.”

“get some sleep,” alex encouraged, then added, “i miss you too.”

“yeah.” brendan whispered as the line went dead.

(alex dreamed of hugging brendan, telling him that things would be okay. it hurt when he woke up alone the next morning.)

 

**3**

alex scored his first goal in arizona against the ottawa senators.

it wasn’t a pretty goal, by any means. demers had skated it in from the blue line and passed it in front for panik, and it just missed his stick by a hair. mark stone reached out for the puck to turn it away from the senators end, and alex saw his opportunity. he lifted stone’s stick and took another stride in front of him. the puck was on his stick, but his legs were coming out from underneath him, so he pushed the puck blindly. the crowd roared as he hit the ground, and alex couldn’t believe it was happening. he quickly got to his feet and hugged his teammates, yelling out strings of celebration as he knocked gloves with the bench.

they beat the senators 5-1. alex was buzzing off the walls in the locker room as he got undressed - or, maybe it was the phone against his back. he furrowed his eyebrows and took out his phone from his jacket pocket, seeing a string of texts and a few missed calls.

of course, it was brendan.

the texts were from a few hours ago; the first period.

_from: the fake gally_   
_ALEX_

_from: the fake gally_   
_THAT WAS A BEAUTY_

_from: the fake gally_   
_!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT_

alex chuckled at the texts. he had just missed brendan’s call. he called brendan back, and brendan picked up after the first ring.

“ _chuck!_ “ brendan hollered into the phone, an excited giggle leaving his lips. “holy _shit,_ dude! that was the greatest goal i’ve ever seen! congrats, man!”

“gally, jesus,” alex hissed, pulling the phone from his ear with a grimace. “stop yelling so damn loud, the whole team hears you. thank you, though.”

“no, for real! that was fucking _awesome,_ man. i watched the whole game! domes was here watching with me but he left now. i’m eating kraft dinner, though. shit’s good. oh - i have a story to tell you!” brendan rambled on into alex’s ear. alex shook his head with a small smile, his free hand untying his skate laces. stepan gave alex’s shoulder a quick pat, alex tuning out brendan’s “super interesting story, alex, you better pay attention!” for just a moment.

“some of the guys are headed out for drinks, wanna come with?” step asked him with a welcoming smile. alex furrowed his eyebrows in thought, pulling the phone from his ear and glancing at brendan’s contact. he could hear the muffled sound of brendan’s excited voice through his phone speaker. he looked back up at stepan and placed the phone back to his ear.

“next time,” he muttered quietly, waving him off with a smile. “gonna be here for a while.” alex motioned to his phone. step let out a small chuckle and patted his shoulder again, shooting him a thumbs up before heading out with most of the team. alex was happy that he was asked, don’t get him wrong - he was beginning to find a sense of home in his new teammates which definitely helped melt the stress of the move from his shoulders. alas, brendan didn’t sound like he was hanging up anytime soon, and alex didn’t mind one bit. he’d have much more time throughout the season to head for drinks with his teammates - if they kept playing like they were, that is.

taking off equipment with one hand was definitely one of the hardest things alex had ever done. he left tally behind for a few moments to shower, and he was still on the line when he came back, despite his protests to hang up if alex left him for too long. alex was the last one out of the locker room after the game, suit lazily buttoned and tie undone, hanging around his neck.

“we should facetime,” gally hummed into the phone. alex could hear the sound of ruffling as brendan sat up. “i miss your ugly mug.”

“you’re one to talk, babyface.” alex teased gruffly, a small smile on his lips. brendan let out a small chuckle. “wait until i get home, i’m in the car.” alex informed him, getting into the driver’s seat of his car and hooking his phone up to bluetooth, so he could hear brendan through the speakers.

brendan told alex about how angry pricey had gotten when a canes player had given him a shove in front of the net a few games before; how he screamed at the ref so loud the mics caught the exchange, and how he shoved the guy back so hard he nearly toppled over. he also told alex about how he demolished domi in basketball, and how he would’ve beaten alex too. alex pulled into his driveway, putting the phone back to his ear.

“doubt that, shorty. you’d hit my knees with that shot.” alex grumbled into the phone, getting a scoff and an enthusiastic argument in response (“i am _not_ that fucking small, thank you very much!”). alex chuckled and wandered into his room, grabbing his laptop. he facetimed brendan with a smile, hanging up the phone.

“there he is!” brendan cheered excitedly. brendan’s room was dark - the only light in the room caused by his phone screen, the light from alex’s room reflecting onto his features. it made alex’s stomach crawl; it was alex’s bedroom light on brendan’s face. it made him feel strangely warm and at home, like brendan was there beside him. “stop staring at me and get out of your messy suit.” brendan raised an eyebrow with a grin.

alex’s face flushed. “sorry, you’re just so ugly. i’m shocked.” alex through back, voice monotone. brendan snickered in response. alex quickly moved away from the camera and stripped down, pulling on a pair of pyjamas over his bare legs and opting out of a shirt as he crawled into bed. “you look tired.” alex hummed as he settled in, laptop on his legs as he leaned against the headboard.

“well, yeah. it’s like, two in the morning here,” brendan rolled his eyes, as if alex should have known that he would be tired at this hour. which, he definitely should’ve. he definitely shouldn’t have forgotten about the time difference, either. alex’s eyes widened.

“jesus, gally! why are you still up? go to sleep.” he scolded him. brendan only scrunched up his nose in response. he looked like a pouty six year old.

“who said you were the boss of me, old man?” he rolled his eyes again. “i wanna talk to you, loser. that’s why i’m still up.”

“you should go to sleep,” alex hissed. “i don’t wanna keep you up.”

“i wouldn’t be facetiming you right now if i didn’t want you to keep me up, dumbass.”

“fine, don’t complain to me in the morning when you’re exhausted.”

“you won’t hear a peep from me.” brendan gave him an innocent smile. alex grimaced.

“you’re the _worst_.”

“you love me.”

“you wish.”

the two talked about everything and nothing all at once. it was when gally’s words became a bit more slurred and his eyes began to droop that alex realized that it was one in the morning, four for gally.

“seriously, chuck.” brendan mumbled, face half smushed into his pillow. “that goal was somethin’ else. m’glad it was you.”

“oh, shut up.” alex smiled, watching brendan closely. he looked pretty fucking adorable, curled up in his sheets and teetering closer to falling sleep than staying awake. something in alex’s chest burned like a flame. he swallowed roughly, rubbing at his bare chest. “it wasn’t even that nice, i was falling over.”

“falling over, in _style.“_ brendan snickered, squinting at the camera. alex noticed the bright reflection in brendan’s eyes.

“do you want me to shut my light off?” he asked softly, feeling responsible for the potential burn of brendan’s pupils. brendan closed his eyes with a hum.

“that’d be nice.”

“you could’ve said something, loser.” alex sighed, reaching over as far as he could - he was _not_ getting out of that bed - and clicking the light off with a quick swat at the switch.

“better.” brendan sighed, rubbing his face and snuggling deeper into his blankets. alex fell silent for a few moments, watching brendan as he relaxed into his sheets and let his eyes close. it was quiet for far too long, and brendan’s breaths got a bit louder, more drawn out.

“you should go to sleep.” alex murmured. the lack of response from brendan convinced alex that he already did. alex stared for just a moment, taking in the sight in front of him with a fond smile playing at his lips. he realized that staring at your best friend as he slept was kind of creepy, so he blinked, rubbed his eyes and let out a soft sigh.

“night, gally.” alex whispered, ending the call and closing his laptop.

(if the room felt a bit colder when alex set his laptop down, not being able to hear brendan’s gentle breathing through the speakers anymore, no one had to know.)

 

**4**

another big win against the blues at the beginning of december had alex feeling through the roof with excitement. although he didn’t get his name on the scoresheet that game, he played well, his line played better and his team played one of their best games all season. this time, in response to brendan’s excited texts, he said he’d call later, and decided to take up the drink offer from grabner. he showered and got changed back into his suit, carpooling with stepan to the bar the team usually goes to. alex hadn’t joined them yet for an outing, and in all honesty, he was nervous.

his new teammates were very friendly, very inviting. alex really appreciated how open armed they were to him in his first few months; it helped him adjust, knowing they had his back. alex, however, wasn’t much of a people person. with that closed-off part of him also came the fear of not being liked for who he is. this kept him from exposing himself to others, especially new people. he knew he could trust his teammates, but it took hi a long time to figure that one out when he first became a hab.

after a short while, alex learned that getting drunk with his new teammates after a win was just as fun as getting drunk with his old teammates. they treated him like he had been there for years; asked him about his family, complimented his play when the game came up, and cracked jokes with him. alex felt comfortable - so comfortable, in fact, that he took any drink his captain slid over to him. he was pleasantly buzzed after a quick, exciting hour.

he had to call brendan and tell him how great his new friends were.

gally picked up on the fourth ring. “chuck?” he laughed softly. “i’ve been expecting your call. great game tonight, tell the guys i said so.”

“gally!” alex cheered into the phone upon hearing brendan’s voice. “hi! oh, yeah - i will! guys, gally says great game. he watched it.” he slurred, giggling quietly.

“you’re gone, eh?” brendan chuckled.

alex _was_ gone, if gally meant gone for him. obviously, that’s not what he meant, alex had to tell himself - brendan meant drunk - but he couldn’t not think it. being away from brendan for so long made alex realize how much he yearned for him. the days he wasn’t on the phone with him, he spent watching habs games, watching brendan flash his signature grin and feeling the urge to kiss him. hard. it scared him, his sudden feelings - but maybe they weren’t so sudden. the longer he tried to recollect when they began, the farther back his brain had reached. alex had decided that he was gone for rally the minute he met him; he just realized after it was too late.

“so gone.” alex mused into the phone, catching his tongue before he let ‘for you’ slip past his lips. brendan laughed at him. it was melodic, smooth like honey, music to alex’s ears. he melted into someone’s side; he can’t remember which teammate he was sitting next to and his eyes were stuck on the empty glass in front of him, so he wasn’t going to look. an arm rested on his shoulder, and he was glad to have the comfort.

“who’s there?” brendan asked.

“whole team,” alex grinned, looking around the table. “step, grabs, fish, schmaltzy,” he named a few of his teammates, looking up to see who was holding onto him. “nicky! ah, nicky’s great.” alex giggled, looking up at nick cousins, a teammate who had really gone out of his way to make alex feel welcome in his short time in arizona. “he’s cool. you’d like him.”

“i bet i would.” brendan replied, and alex could hear the smile in his tone. it made his heart flutter.

“you’re smiling.” alex mumbled into the phone, closing his eyes for a few moments, imagining brendan’s lips as they pulled upwards, showing his teeth in a genuine, happy, warm smile. “you have a pretty smile.” alex slurred.

“thanks, alex.” brendan spoke slowly, calmly. alex let out a small laugh, burying his face into nick’s shoulder. “you have a pretty smile too.”

alex’s cheeks went bright pink, nose scrunching up in response. “come on, you’re just.. saying that.” alex mumbled quietly, and his heart began to race.

his heartbeat became irregular and - oh, oh no.

alex’s face went hot with embarrassment - brendan was just saying that. alex was drunk and complimenting brendan, complimenting him in ways that best friends don’t - shouldn’t compliment each other, and brendan was giving him the ‘thanks, you too,’ compliments. he was obviously doing it because there was nothing else for him to say.

alex couldn’t breathe.

“alex?” brendan called out quietly. he must have said something else that alex didn’t catch. nick gave his arm a squeeze.

“you good, gally?” nick asked, and alex sat up.

“bathroom.” he whispered suddenly, getting up and tripping over his teammate’s legs. it was a long journey to the bathroom, vision hazy and mind foggy. his phone was still clutched in his hand, tightly, and he could faintly hear brendan calling for him.

he didn’t realize he was crying until he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, face blotchy and eyes red.

“so-sorry.” alex spluttered into the phone, gripping at his shirt tightly. he was so overwhelmed with his feelings for brendan that it began to burn in his stomach, up into his lungs and his throat. he couldn’t catch his breath for the life of him, and he suddenly became aware that he was having a panic attack.

“alex, alex. hey.” brendan spoke, worry laced in his voice. “breathe, baby, come on.”

breathe, baby.

alex couldn’t breathe, not after that. everything around him faded until all he could hear was brendan’s voice, brendan calling him baby, repeating to him, over and over. he felt the wall against his back; his body was on autopilot. his knees buckled and he slowly slid down the wall until he got to the floor, breaths shallow and eyes burning.

he could feel his mouth moving. he couldn’t hear what was coming out of it.

after a long, exhausting while, what felt like hours, of getting himself together, he began gaining control of his breathing.

“that’s it, relax. breathe.” gally’s voice came to him again, and alex slumped back against the wall tiredly. when his breaths slowed down to gentle pants, brendan spoke again. “you’re okay. where are your teammates? where’s nick?”

as if on cue, nick walked in. he sat in front of alex, hands on his shoulders.

“he’s here,” alex croaked, mustering what was left of his energy into making sure brendan knew he was taken care of. “m’okay.”

“okay. i’m gonna hang up, okay?” brendan spoke slowly. “okay?”

“okay.”

“okay. get some rest, get a hug for me. we’ll talk about this in the morning.”

“okay,” alex furrowed his eyebrows. talk about what in the morning? his panic? he’d rather not talk about it.

“sleep well, alex. if you remember, text me when you get home, so i know you’re okay.” brendan murmured.

“okay.”

brendan hung up. nick hugged alex tightly, and helped him to his feet. he wiped his face, helped him into his car, and drove him home. nick took alex’s phone and texted brendan, letting him know he was taking alex home. nick helped alex to bed when he fell asleep in the passenger seat, and helped him change into pyjamas.

alex, through his tired haze, made a note to himself to tell nick he was a great friend in the morning. he made a mental note to tell brendan he was a great friend too.

(he also made a mental note to tell brendan he loved him, as soon as possible.)

 

**5**

whatever brendan claimed him and alex would talk about in the morning, they didn’t.

in fact, brendan and alex hadn’t spoken on the phone since that night. they texted like normal, brendan’s excited strings of emojis never failed to make alex’s phone buzz like it was going to explode, but something felt different.

it’s not like alex really tried to call brendan, either, but the few times he did call, it rang for what felt like twenty minutes until giving up and sending him to voicemail, or brendan would send him to voicemail with a quick ‘sorry, i’m busy!’ text. there was never a followup ‘call later?’ text, and alex felt somewhat responsible.

his stomach twisted to think that he had done something to put a dent in their friendship, in a sense. alex didn’t even know what he did.

and the worst part? brendan was so, so close to alex.

it was the nineteenth of december, and the montreal canadiens faced off against the arizona coyotes the next day.

brendan was here, in arizona. alex knew the exact hotel the team was in, having stayed there a few times with them himself, and it was a five minute walk from his house. brendan gallagher was within walking distance, and alex wanted to walk over, knock on his hotel room door and kiss him.

well, maybe he’d ask first.

alex knew brendan had a superstition about hanging out with friends from other teams before the game. alex had invited brendan along to hang out with nail in edmonton when they roomed together, and he received back an almost exhausted rant in return, because ‘alex, i can’t do that. every time i hang out with someone i play against the next day we lose. you do not understand how much i can’t do that. how much /you/ shouldn’t do that.’ the only exception would be if the habs were leaving right after the game or the next morning, and gally wanted to see old teammates from juniors or other guys he worked out with in the summer. however, this was their team’s last game before christmas break; brendan definitely had time to hang out with alex before he headed home to his family in vancouver.

he decided he’d try anyway.

he wasn’t sure gally would answer if he called him, since he hadn’t the past few days. it was really beginning to bug alex, and he had the urge to just call brendan until he was forced to answer and scream at him for being annoying; he missed brendan’s voice, honestly. he knew that the idea of calling someone hundreds of times was definitely weird and creepy, so he decided against it - for now, anyway.

what else was creepy was rushing down the street to the hotel the habs were staying in and asking for brendan’s room, which was his next idea. first of all, he would probably be kicked from the hotel for demanding to see a famous hockey player, whether they knew who he was or not. second of all, he was sure brendan would definitely not appreciate the surprise visit after just landing in arizona. third of all, alex was convinced brendan was upset with him, and if he was? he wouldn’t welcome alex’s presence in front of his door uninvited either. he could text brendan, but he probably wouldn’t answer.

he decided to call him.

“hey.”

alex was so surprised that brendan had answered, it left him speechless for a moment. he wasn’t expecting to get this far; he had nothing planned to say.

“chuck?”

“hi,” alex breathed, shaking his head quickly and swallowing. “hello? hi, sorry.” he grumbled out, rubbing his face. “how, uh, how are you?”

“fine, how are you?” brendan sounded confused; they have never resorted to small talk. alex never started a conversation with brendan with small talk.

“good, fine. i was-“ alex decided to get to the point. “do you want to hang out? right now? or later, in the day.”

silence.

“alex,” brendan sighed. “you know i don’t-“

“i _know,_ brendan, i know. i’m sorry, i know we have time so you won’t- i just thought i’d try, because, you know, i really miss you, and your face-“ alex paused. “your _stupid, ugly_ face.” he added, brendan chuckled, and alex continued before he could speak up. “we haven’t talked a lot over the few weeks so i thought you were mad and, i just wanted to see you. to make sure you weren’t, you know, angry at me.”

“why would i be angry at you?” brendan asked, with complete, genuine concern, and alex felt guilty for even causing that tone.

“i don’t know. we haven’t called since the bar. did i say something that made you upset? i want to know what i said, that made you hang up. i don’t know what i said. i wasn’t mean, right? if i was, i was kidding. we’re always mean-“

“you didn’t do anything wrong, alex.” brendan grumbled. “you told me you were sorry for crying, and that you were crying because you thought about how much you missed me, because-“

brendan paused, for far too long. alex felt sick. “because?”

“because you loved me and you were sorry you didn’t tell me earlier.”

oh. _oh._

“oh.” alex deadpanned.

“yeah,” brendan spoke quietly, and he sounded so small, so vulnerable, alex wanted to pull up to the hotel and hug brendan so hard he’d break in his grip. “i’m not mad about it, don’t worry. i just- i needed to reflect on what you said, if it was true or not. i didn’t want to bring it up with you because you were drunk.” brendan sighed. “which - you understand, right? why i didn’t call you? i mean, this was something we never discussed before. i didn’t even know you were gay.”

alex knew brendan better to think he was homophobic, weirded out by him and his preferences - but the way brendan had described the situation had alex on the edge of the couch.

“is there something wrong with being gay?” it slipped out. much harsher than he intended.

“ _no,_ no! of course not,” brendan spoke immediately. “alex galchenyuk, i have known you for six years of my life and you are arguably my _best_ friend. what you like is not going to change that, ever. you hear me?”

“sorry.” alex muttered. he’s such an idiot, of course gally wouldn’t judge him for these things. he’s _gally._

“i don’t care at all that you’re gay. i-“ brendan let out a sharp sigh. “i don’t.. hate the idea of _men,_ either. girls are cool too, though. i guess.”

“okay.” alex nodded firmly.

“so _obviously,_ i’m not like, _mad_ at you for liking me, loving me, because i’m not a homophobic straight boy who would shun you the minute you told me. i’m not mad at you.” brendan assured him.

brendan’s not mad at alex for loving him, because he isn’t an asshole. he didn’t say he liked alex back, which, alex wasn’t expecting at all, but it would’ve been nice to hear. it hurt, just a bit, but he was relieved that brendan didn’t hate him for this. he was relieved that he still had his best friend, no matter the situation. he’d take it.

“okay.” alex said again.

“tomorrow.”

“what?”

“we’ll hang out, tomorrow.” brendan informed him. “after the game, is that okay? are you okay with that?”

“sure, course.” alex hummed, regaining himself and leaning back into the couch. “so excited to go blind when i see you tomorrow,” alex chirped, and the tension was gone.

“why, because of how strikingly handsome i am?” brendan spoke lowly. he was smirking, alex knew he was.

“oh, you wish.” alex chuckled. brendan let out a small laugh too. it fell silent again, after that.

“did you mean it?”

“mean what?” alex asked. “when i called you ugly? of course no-“

“when you said you loved me.”

awkward. “yeah,” alex confessed.

“okay.” brendan spoke, and alex couldn’t read his tone. “i’ll see you tomorrow.”

“bren-“

the line went dead.

alex galchenyuk had never not wanted to see brendan gallagher so much in his entire life.

(he also really, really wanted to see him.)

 

**+1**

alex was nervous, standing in line down the tunnel with his team. he reminded himself that there was no need to be nervous, and this was like any other game. except it wasn’t; he was playing his old team, and the media was already all over it. he had an interview before the game, and he had no doubts that he’d have one during intermission, and one after. it was all anyone seemed to be talking about.

his teammates spared him, though. nick gave him a comforting pat on the back during morning skate, and no one seemed to mention it. half of the guys had been through this before, the first time playing against their old teams. alex was already dreading their return to the bell centre at the end of january. most of him hoped max domi felt the same - worse, just to make himself feel better - on the other side.

they had already gone on for warmups, and alex tried his best to stay has far away from the rest of his team as possible. he hardly looked in their direction. at one point, he caught a glimpse of a white jersey with the number 11 in big blue text, and he almost threw up, right along the boards.

alex’s whole body began to throb in fear as his team moved down the tunnel. he followed suit and stepped onto the ice, basking in the roar of the crowd. it was dark, and he did a lap or two, making sure to get a sip of water before lining up for the face off. of course, _of course_ gally was on the starting line. he was one of the haps best players - he always had been. it shouldn’t have surprised alex to see him there.

he skated past brendan to get to the centre of the circle.   
  
“hi,” gally smiled towards him, giving him a quick tap on his shin pads.

alex wanted to puke.

he smiled back. “hey,” he chimed, nodding at brendan before lining up, adjusting his grip on his stick, and winning the puck back to the defense.

the first period was nothing special. alex got a shot on net, but it was a routine save for pricey. it felt weird, a bit wrong to be shooting this way. alex felt like he’d get so immersed in the sight of his old team that he might accidentally shoot on his own net. kuemper wouldn’t be too happy with him.

the scoresheet stayed at zero for both teams heading into the second. alex was off his game, definitely, a bit distracted seeing his old friends and new players wearing his old colours. no one had taken his number, though, which was something he really appreciated.

nearly thirty seconds into the second period, montreal gets on the board first, on a power play, of course. of _course_ arizona’s ‘league’s best penalty kill’ had to fail in this game, against shea weber’s slapper from the blue line, because the world really hated alex that day.

ekman-larsson got arizona on the board six minutes later, and the score stayed that way until the third, when byron snuck one past kuemper’s glove. things got far too competitive after that.

within the last five minutes of the game, alex was being shoved around every time he went within forty feet of pricey, which was, well, annoying. his line seemed to be slacking, and it was beginning to piss him off. alex went into the corner hard after the puck, digging for it amongst another coyote and two other habs. he dug harshly against someone’s stick, trying to lift a few out of the way, only for his stick to come up and clip a player in the face. he heard a loud yell in response, and the whistle blow. on his way to the box, he turned around to see who he had clipped.

a few ways away, gally was hunched over, skating towards the bench, a few drops of blood following him out.

alex’s stomach twisted in guilt. he stayed in the box for the rest of the game, since it was a four minute, and just over three minutes left. gally didn’t return.

after a lecture, alex got undressed, showered and changed into his suit quickly, rushing out of the locker room. he wandered down the familiar halls of the arena, moving quickly towards the guest locker room. he turned the corner, watching as a smaller figure began walking away from him.

“brendan!” alex called out, voice sounding desperate and panicked. brendan jumped and turned around towards alex, and alex’s gut wrenched. his lip was blood red and purple around the tender skin, and stitched together with threads of black.

“fuck,” he hissed, stepping closer. “shit, i’m so - i’m so sorry. i didn’t mean to,” alex frowned. “ _fuck_. it looks _so_ bad.”

brendan let out a small chuckle, although his face scrunched in pain. “what a nice compliment.”

and then brendan kissed him.

alex jumped in shock, then immediately melted into the kiss. his head was spinning, heart trying to break out of his chest. alex immediately realized the feeling of brendan’s stitches against his lips. he pulled away, shaking his head.

“stitches,” alex reminded, then furrowed his eyebrows. “why did you-“

“i think i love you too. i think i always have.” brendan whispered. “i wanted to see if, you know, kissing you would- help me decide.”

and yeah, alex could puke. he really could. “what have you decided?”

brendan paused, nodding slowly.

“yeah, i’ve decided yeah. i’m so, so gone for you.” he laughed softly. alex laughed back. they were both giggling, in the middle of the hallway, like idiots, really.

“sorry it took me so fucking long to realize.” brendan spoke again.

“i didn’t realize until a month or two ago.” alex admitted with a shrug. “we can make it work.”

“discuss later. kiss me again.”

“but-“

“i don’t give a _fuck_ about my swollen mouth, just _kiss me._ “

and alex did. he kissed brendan with passion, desperation, and love, pouring out all of the emotions he had felt since he had heard about his trade, moved to arizona. every single phone call he had shared with brendan, every laugh, every cry, every ‘i miss you;’ it had all led up to this moment.

alex pressed those feelings into brendan’s mouth. brendan didn’t seem to mind one bit.

(brendan also didn’t seem to mind when alex put a bit of pressure down onto his stitches. in fact, he seemed to enjoy the sting of alex’s teeth.

alex would have to test that out at home later.)

**Author's Note:**

> i miss the gallys so much lol!


End file.
